"The Power of Christ Compels You"

There are many in this world that piss me off. However, nothing compares to the loathing I have for shitty drivers.  And the majority of these drivers have one thing in common........they all have one of those fucking Jesus fish on the back of their cars.  I believe everyone's familiar with these things; but if you've been living under a rock or the preferred location of your head is up your ass, this is what they look like:  

 Now if you're either unfamiliar with the history of the Jesus Fish, or to0 lazy to google it, let me break it down like a fraction. I happen to be neither of those, I fancy myself to be quite the history buff; I mean come on, this is coming from the nerd who was fascinated with Star Wars (no, not the movie.....Reagan's Strategic Defense Initiative that would protect us from those godless Commies back in the day; the movie was good too though).  On another note, did you know that the only reason in God we trust was added to our currency was to separate the "God-fearing" Americans from the "Godless" Communists? Gimme a fuckin break!  Anyways I'm getting off topic.  The Jesus Fish, or Ichthys, has a long history with a pretty badass original purpose.  At the time, Romans were persecuting Christians for their beliefs.  In response, Christians began using the Ichthys as a secret symbol to differentiate friend from foe and mark meeting places and/or tombs of Christians.  As a proponent of giving the middle finger to authority, I thought this was interesting.  However, this is no longer the case as the purpose of the fish has been desecrated and reduced to nothing more than a "I drive like a jackass" symbol.  I currently reside in Rome, Georgia: the brass buckle of the bible belt and home of chicken-fucker's and apparently exorcists (Jesus Christ, don't get me fucking started).  I don't really have the time to delve into all the details but you can read up about it @ http://www.ajc.com/news/exorcism-stirs-debate-among-156431.html

  Anyways, it's a fucking disgrace what my Alma Mater is becoming.  An amazing education, but a safehaven for radicals (and people say the Middle East is bad).  But I digress.  It's also a safehaven for all these piss-poor drivers.  Two instances bring up these thoughts. The first one was more recent, the other morning I woke up to a drunken stupor after an all night benda.  To quote Pastor Troy, "I was riding with Phil...to drunk to be behind the wheel, and packin my steel, just in case they need the thrill," except his name wasn't Phil and I wasn't carrying a gun (I like my 2nd Amendment right too much to do some dumb shit like that).  Anyways we're not even 10 seconds from getting back to my house and this jackass blows through the stop sign right by my house and swerves into our lane of traffic.  Lucky enough "Phil" was paying attention swerved to the right and put on the brakes.  This prick who runs the stop sign has the nerve to lay on her horn and stare at us like we're in the wrong.  Bitch, I'm the one that's being responsible and having someone else drive me! So she drives past us and I turn around to stare.....Low and behold she's got a Jesus fish on the back of her car.  Another time I was pulling out of Berry College via the access road.  Somehow, someway, this girl slams into the back of my car.  Did I mention this girl was right behind me in line to pull out; yet in the short distance she was able to slam into me....like I said, somehow someway.  I pull over on the side of the road to check out the damage. Before I even get to the back of my car, this chick's all like, "My car's fine." Cool bitch, I didn't ask. Welcome to an accident that's your fault, where nobody cares what happens to your car.  Luckily my car was fine and everybody was uninjured.  I should have sick burned the girl and gotten in touch with my buddy's law firm claiming back injuries........I'm just kidding, I don't promote false insurance/injury claims. The law firms do their research, then you just look like a broke ass looking for a hand-out.  So as I'm getting back into my car and starting it up this girl goes flying by me, damn near clipping the back of me.  Not only does this girl have a Jesus fish, she has the worst kind of Jesus fish. The one of the fish and the Greek letters ΙΧΘΥΣ inside it.  Why do I have such a disdain for this fish you ask.....One because I guaran-fuckin-tee you that more often than not, the possessor doesn't speak Greek, let alone know those were letters from the Greek alphabet, and two, even if they did know it was Greek, they wouldnt know what it meant. Oh and if you're wondering, I is the first letter of Iesous, Greek for Jesus. Chi, or kh, are the first letters of Khristos, or Christ.  Theta is the first letter of Theou, or God's.  Upsilon is the first letter of uios, the Greek word for Son. And finally Sotar is the first letter of soter, meaning Savior.  I can't take credit for all of that. I did know it was Greek, and I did know what it stood for, just checking on spelling and what-not.  I'm also missing accent marks and the like, forgive me.

After all this, one would think I'm anti-God. This isn't the case.  Although I may not agree with you, I respect everybody's right to practice their own religion.  I just don't respect those people who promote their own religion by slapping an ad for God on their car and driving around like a jackass.  By the way these people drive, one would think that they actually believe God will save them from harm, protect them from their dumb decisions, or use his guidance to make up for their apparent lack of logic.  Only in America. I love my country but hate its citizens sometimes!  It makes me think of that line from the movie, The Exorcist (ironic how I'm quoting that), when Fr. Damien Karass is casting Satan out yelling, "The Power of Christ Compels You!!!"  That's cool and all, but if you're going to have him compel you, have him compel you to do great things with your life, not to use his name as an excuse to be wreckless and cavalier with the lives of others.

If you think anything I have said is vulgar or offensive in any way, you can go to the previous page and read the disclaimer.  Or to quote Les Grossman of Tropic Thunder fame, "I could send you a hobo's dickcheese.....until then and as usual, Go Fuck Yourself."

       

Vomiting on Cars

So yesterday was my sister's boyfriend, Sylvan's, birthday.  I always enjoy hangin with my sister and him for two reasons: 1) They're just all around good folk and 2) whatever we're doing it often times involves drinking.  Come to think of it, it's always involved drinking. Mass quantities of it. Unfortunately, my sister had to work the next day so she wasn't able to drink her usual amount.  That's alright though, Sylvan and I made up for her.  So I get down there and the night started with a few beers at the house, catching up and watching some Always Sunny.  After that, we headed out to a place out in Little Five Points called the Vortex.  Fuckin cool ass restaurant. Hands down one of the best burgers I've had. Went to a bar to meet up with some of Sylvan's friends. These guys are cool as shit. So we started off drinking a few buckets of Genesee Cream Ale.  I'll be honest....I haven't been drinking alot lately so I was already getting kind of tipsy.  Someone orders a round of Jameson, take that and get back to drinking some more beers.  A motion was made to head upstairs for a little shuffleboard action.  I was thinking we were gonna get up there and there'd be some old folks wearing strap-on sandals and bermuda shorts. Luckily, this wasn't the case.  Shuffleboard on a table. Cool shit.  So we get another round of Jameson, another bucket, and make our way upstairs.  This is where things get blurry for me.  Numerous buckets of beer and multiple shots were consumed.  My sister left because she had to work. I'm making it sound like she was getting loaded then driving home.  This isn't the case.....she probably had a beer the whole time.  I told her I'd look after Sylvan. hahahaha. So we continue on with a few beers and then it's about time to head home.  And for some reason, we thought it would be a good idea to have some Irish Car Bomb's. Yes, that is plural. So we take one. Have another shot. Then take another bomb. Sylvan makes this burping sound, looks like he's gonna lose it, but then regains his composure.  He makes the comment,"If I don't throw up immediately, I'm alright. I'm that kind of guy."  So we get a ride home.  On the wayback me and the person in the front seat are talking about the finer side of pigs, as any connoisseur of barbeque would.  Meanwhile I see Sylvan leaning out the window.  I'm just thinking he's drunk and yelling at somebody.  We get back to the house and get out to say bye and this girl just start screaming, "What the FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?! You threw up on my car!!!" BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, there was puke all over the side of this girl's car.  I couldn't stop laughing.  I woke up this morning still drunk and with a lot less money.  Needless to say, I'll be back soon.

Fuck Y'all.....I'm gon to the Netherlands

So today is Friday, marking the first installment of "notable gingers."  This is where I discuss some of the notable gingers of the world.......obviously.  I'll be honest, this prolly won't stay for very long as I can only think of a handful of 'em so I'll probably have to come up with something else to fill the void.  It aint easy bein a ginge (not to be confused with a minge), as they are often time the brunt of many people's jokes and bullying.  However, I could give a shit cause I have no soul.  Anyways, in the Netherlands a tradition has started appropriately called "Redhead Day," where gingers from across the globe come to to enjoy a weekend of redhead related activities and discussion.  Not only do some notable gingers give speeches talking about their experiences as a ginger, there are many specialty classes taught, ranging from style, discrimination against us, and dermatology (fuck that....tell me my hair aint luxurious when you know it is bitch!).  I'm not making this shit up folks. Hell to be honest, I don't even think I could.  I didn't think enough people gave a damn about ginger's to give them their own day, let alone an entire weekend.  Only outside of America.  To read the whole article http://rupertgrint.net/rupertised09/?p=446.  The one thing that gets to me is the painter's belief that all ginger's have some sort of inexplicable bond, which makes the festival a huge hit.......that's some of the dumbest shit I've ever heard.  It's not like they're old war buddies from the Bulge, something that would really make people close.  You're talking about people with the same hair.  But I digress.  I just realized that I haven't even begun talking about "notable gingers," but I have to take the birddog to the vet for his annual.  Fancy that, another way to lengthen the duration of the "notable gingers" column.

My BBQ brings all the boys to the yard, it's better than yours, but sorry I aint teachin ya shit

So as I said earlier, I'm really into cooking barbeque, or que.  Its been a few days but last weekend our barbeque team, Que Crew, competed in the 3rd Annual Cave Springs Pig Out.  Needless to say, we "smoked" the competition......wow, sorry that was fuckin lame.  There were about 14 teams that ended up showing up, alot of which were local barbeque joints.  The people have spoken and voted us 1st in the popular choice category.  This was a huge honor and we were pretty stoked about it.  We also got 3rd place in the ribs category.  Although I would've liked too have done better with the judges, when you open up a restaurant it ain't the judges that pay the bills, it's the people.  All in all, shit was straight. Thanks for everyone that helped and definitely preciate everyone that voted.